Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here