HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.