My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
do what now??