Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
The fall of Netflix
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.