Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
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I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
why isn’t he texting back
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?