I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
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I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.