I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
mom had nothing to worry about
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*