Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
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I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Air pods looking like an angry frog
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂