I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
You Might Also Like
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin