1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this