I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
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[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.