*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity