Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
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I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me My dog
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.