[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
#SaturdayBears
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?