Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…