I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
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DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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i meant to share this earlier
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ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
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