Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
You Might Also Like
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
why I oughta
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?