Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
this independent good boy don’t need no human
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*