Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this