I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car