*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
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5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too