Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook