I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.