Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
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Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
looks legit
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.