‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
And that about sums it up.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine