My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
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Guilty! 🤪
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
what’s the point then??
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do