My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
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Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
This did not end as expected.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’