everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Reporter: *ports again*
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself