When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
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[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here