Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now