[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
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I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes