Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’m giving up ice.
White Castle for the Win
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.