Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
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What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
(more comics:
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!