Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
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Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”