Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Meowchelangelo
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.