Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
The Onion called it…again.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?