My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”