Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Good morning
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
All generalizations are stupid.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn