(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Ah..makes sense now
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.