There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.