Cherry seeds are just the pits.
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My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.