I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one