Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My last name is Zilla.
5 ways to appear taller
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.