People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
50 shades of grey = my Liver
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile