WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
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A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Worth the read.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving