*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
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When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.