[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
You Might Also Like
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings