[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
You Might Also Like
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
#ParentingFacts
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!