I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.