As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
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families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.